The Eight Things You Need to Perfectly Poach a Stupid Egg

Whipped cream isn't whipped cream at all unless it's been whipped with whips. Just as a poached egg isn't a poached egg unless it's been stolen from the woods in the dead of night! -Roald Dahl

The poached egg is an elusive culinary beast. At best it requires practice, patience and a few extra eggs, at worst it creates a swirling storm of lost whites and a bobbing, lonely overdone yolk.

Being a fan of poached eggs on any dish, any time of day, naturally I approached poaching an egg with gusto and confidence. I knew what I was looking for: a tight, glossy white, smooth and singular, with a hidden sunburst of custardy yolk that we, like good taste and courtesy, should assume exist within one another. I did my homework researching the different methodology and myth and settled on ye olde vinegar splash and whirlpool approach.

Egg in hand and water properly swirled, I cracked directly into the water. A panicky Jackson Pollack looking moment later I had neither a perfectly poached egg nor my dignity. I fished out the soggy and stringy mess and set it aside on a disappointed paper towel. Deep breath. Back to the books and interwebs.

Okay, okay, I need a fine mesh sieve to separate the harder white from the wetter white. Better but not great. A trip to the store! Poaching pods, yes that's what I was missing. Nope, about the same result. Time and again, wasted egg after wasted egg, I cursed my lust for poached and resigned myself to serving fried eggs in my own kitchen. No one could help me, not even Pepin. With much awe and a twinge of guilt I started ordering poached at every restaurant when the option to select my style of egg presented itself.

And then I received, as a gift, my sous vide  machine. I had plans of warm, tousled baths for my steaks and fish at the perfect cooking temperature but not a thought about eggs until a friend recommended I give it a try. Again, I researched and translated from Fahrenheit to Celsius and set the eggs afloat. They rattled around a little but after 55 minutes, still in their shells, they were done. I pulled them gently from the water and let them dry on a paper towel. Then, according to instructions, I peeled only one end of the egg to form a port-hole. I held my breath. Out slide the most perfect poached egg I've ever encountered. With an oddly satisfying suction sound, out slide the first willowy gem into a small bowl. This I could do. After experimenting a few different times with cooking temperatures and lengths I finally came across the entirely too long, expensive and complicated way to poach eggs. I felt accomplished and avant garde and elite. I'm still baffled by professional kitchens turning out egg after perfect poached egg, but I'll leave the mass production and mystery to the pros. I'm just glad I found a process that works for me, and I'm glad I can share it with you all.

*okay and water not pictured above

Instructions:

1. Bring FRESH eggs to room temperature and weigh them. You're going to want your cook time to be one minute for every gram of egg. So one 50 g egg should take 50 minutes. Since this is sous vide you can leave them for longer but be aware that while the consistency of the whites will be the same, the yolk will thicken the longer the egg bathes.
2. Set your sous vide machine to 63 C with the circulation off or pointed towards the side of your container. You want less disruption than normal in your bath.
3. Find small bowls/containers in which to seat the eggs in your sous vide bath. Place them in your water bath while it is heating up. This helps keeps the eggs from bouncing around the water which increases the likelihood of cracking.
4. When the water has reached the optimal temperature lower the eggs into the bowls with a spoon or tongs.
5. Set the timer and wait- patiently!
6.  When you have a few minutes left on your sous vide time, start a small saucepan of water to boil on the stove.
7. Remove your eggs from the sous vide and turn off the boiling water. You want your saucepan water to stop bubbling before you use it for the eggs.
8. Once handle-able, crack a one inch hole in the egg-shell to make it pourable. Pour the egg out of the shell into yet another small bowl.
9. Slide the egg into the used-to-be-boiling water to firm up the outside of the whites. I found this helpful for plating so that you have an egg that holds it shape rather than sliding all over the place.
10. Use a slotted spoon to remove the egg from the saucepan water, drain and serve. You can also store and reheat the eggs in warmed water for a couple of days. 

Voila! A perfectly poached egg or two or dozen! With this method you can make handfuls of eggs at the same time so go nuts and let your imagination run free. Me? I'll enjoy mine on a bed of frisee or atop garlic toast. Simple yes, but perfectly poached.